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when inner and outer worlds come apart

This Monday is the day after Mother's day. I didn't particularly think about mother's day a great deal yesterday. But I think at a subconscious level it must have been churning away as I have had a big emotional crash last night and today...  and then today I suddenly find myself thinking "what if we did another round of IVF..."  We have a lot going on! This coming weekend, Facco and I are moving out of our house in the suburbs up to a house in the mountaintops, it's about an hour drive out from the city centre & 650m above sea level. It's absolutely beautiful up there in a rainforest-y setting, with extremely cute Pademelon wallabies potentially visiting our yard... We will still be commuting to our same jobs so not all that much will change realistically, just a nice new house with a longer commute.  Over the weekend though, we started to do more packing up, and as we dis-assembled our furniture and took art off the walls, it felt as though we are c…
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growing from origins to creation

I believe that in creating a family there is some innate desire, whether it is conscious or not, to both heal some of the wounds of our family of origin experiences and also to re-enact the beautiful parts.  I think each generation tries to do something better and more for their offspring.. whether it be providing a different parenting style, a different emotional climate, different material things, activities, experiences.. I believe that people always hope what they provide will be an improvement on their own childhood.
As I grieve about my family that won't be, I find myself often reflecting on my own upbringing and family relationships, and looking as well at the present messy mix of closeness and distance, affection and frustration, within my own family as adults today.
Thinking of the limitations of my family...  makes me sad. Maybe more sad that I have no chance to create my own "better" version... But I wonder how much of these thoughts of the past would have com…

no reception

I had a dream where I was driving somewhere and then I totally forgot where I was going. I tried to call my friend who I was meant to be meeting with in the dream, except my phone dialled an overseas phone number by mistake. Because of this, the phone sort of stopped working.  I was relying on the phone for navigation, and while it was fussing around trying to dial the number, in my confusion, I had driven into a massive body of water. Really far into it. To my left there was an endless grey wall. To my right, still, lifeless grey water stretching as far as I could see. Above, a vast grey sky.
The phone no longer had reception.
It seemed that there was no way back and no point going forward or outward as no destination could be seen.
I was standing at this point in the water, and the water near the wall was shallow, I looked down at my feet, and saw that there was something underneath and started scratching at it.
The surface was soft and flaky. Kind of a rubbery substance. It was act…


It has been a while. I actually didn't realise how long.
I think since November my plan had been to put things about infertility: all the seeking and hoping and action on that topic,  all to rest, at least for now.
I'm still not sure where I'm at with the infertility stuff. I just made a decision no more IVF. In the past I was pretty sure I'd go for donor options if I reached this fork in the road, but now that I'm actually faced with that I am really not so sure at all.
Anyway, I decided not to focus on it for a while, and that would be why I haven't written a blog post since. And I guess... in that time... I thought... I was actually doing ok. But now feel as though I am leaking tears. It's like my confidence has just gone and dried up, and my sadness is brimming over, leaking out...  I'm trying not to get in the realm of self pity or despair, and trying to "lean in" to what I think is understandable grief, and trying to also stay strong and…

trying to find...

loopy bunkerer

I've had a very looping thought headspace of late. And, probably no coincidence, I have had the desire to "bunker down".
And I'm going to just look at those phrases for a sec....
Does the word "loopy" - as in "feeling a bit crazy"-  come from the experience of thoughts looping around? My thoughts are going round and round on repeat lately. And it's not a nice repeat. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself, and my inner critic is loud.
Then there's the bunkering down phrase. I realised the other day that the term is actually hunkering down. Huh. I have always said bunkering. Maybe it's the influence of unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?? (love that show). I think it's capturing something about the social isolation and cutting off the world effect of being in a bunker. Facco and I very much "bunker down" when we are trying out fertility stuff.
So that's me at the moment - a loopy bunker-er.

Quick update

Europe was a blast... once every couple of year catch ups with verrrry old friends in England, tear-to- the eye art in Paris, Bike rides through burgundy, the most amazing tomatoes of my life in Lyon, street party craziness and sophisticated eats in Barcelona, soul-soothing architecture in Granada, unexpected beauty in Seville, and delights too many to pinpoint of sunny Lisbon! I was going to write more on how I'm back and how it's been hard to be back. But then, trying to sum up my trip with a thought for each location has brightened my outlook... so I'm going to stop this post here!