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We are about to do something which is a  bit exciting. We are travelling away to Europe for a few weeks. We keep putting things like this on hold. Getting all serious and trying trying trying... We have to live and be spontaneous I think. So bye bye money-sucking IVF that has virtually 0% guarantee of satisfaction . Off we head to money-sucking activities that will be nearly 100% guarantee of satisfaction. That's us in September.
Recent posts

On staying still

I promise I'm not stagnating. I just happen to be still. Hanging out. Watching. Waiting. Somewhat planning my next move. Somewhat not. The journey has been unexpectedly difficult and I need a breather. It's actually not bad doing this..  it's a bit like a movie-- one of those action packed ones where the heroes are on some kind of difficult quest and just when they are exhausted and starving and wounded and think they are going to die they find a safe (and maybe beautiful) place to rest and restore themselves before the next bit of their journey.
So many journey analogies to be had in this.
We will get there...
but not yet.
And not even sure where 'there' will be.

Here we go... another no

The pregnancy blood test was negative.And so far... I'm oddly unaffected. Blunted perhaps. My dad said "if I were you I'd be out howling" (really dad? I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But it's sweet that he shows such empathy). My friends are concerned about how upset I must be.Maybe it will just hit me later... which is definitely a me kind of way to take bad news. Yes, maybe it will hit. But maybe it's just a long accumulation of pain that I've been living with for years and maybe that pain just hasn't really been made any bigger by another 'no'. The situation just is what it is. I'm thinking that possibly the way I'm feeling... a kind of numb acceptance... indicates that it's time to get off the dizzying IVF merry-go-round. I don't have enough hope in the process working for me to keep investing in it. It seems pointless for our situation. And expensive. And draining.  It feels like it has way more potential to …


Okay so last night, trying to get that balance of Sunday evening --- relaxation for the end of weekend but accepting a week of work ahead...
I decided to:
1) eat cheese. Not just any cheese. Ridiculously good cheese.... ├ępoisses ... made by monks in burgundy. It's funky and it's a SOFT centred cheese.
2) drink wine. Not much. Certainly not "getting drunk" or anything near it. Just a small glass... ok maybe 2 small glasses. Mind you it was a DAMN good pinot noir from Tasmania. And it was SO SO good with the cheese and bread.
I feel like some people would not dare take the risk of those things, especially after how much effort and expense I've put in to all this getting pregnant process.
But you know what, I'm ok with it. I think it is just my insistence on staying "normal" during this extremely weird process and avoiding "Guilting myself out" --- (which--- I am guilty of...) But then I'm also wondering, am I actually just being a rebell…

How do they get the grainy bits so soft?

This old Australian ad for multigrain bread keeps coming to mind... a little kid is eating their multigrain bread and marvelling at how delicious it is... asking "how do they get the grainy bits so soft?"
Frame is then cut to another cute child who says "They hit them with a hammer I expect"
original child, unconvinced, says "Maybe an elephant sits on them?"

The joke in my family was to be rude and say "MAYBE AN ELEPHANT *SHITS* ON THEM".

Indeed, perhaps I have been proverbially shat upon... With genetics, with whatever it is that causes this fertility issue...

The description coming from the words of my IVF scientists is that my eggs are "soft, and grainy"

So there we have it. After my complicated regime of interesting drug cocktails, and a longer protocol aimed at pulling out the best quality eggs available... seems that... the egg quality didn't get far.

We pulled out 10 eggs. 6 were mature. 2 fertilised. Day 5 there was only on…

going ahead and trying my best

So, my Doc is delaying his foot surgery till next week.
Since I had already done a week's worth of induced menopause injections with a new drug for this round called decapeptyl, I thought, ok, I'll stick it out.
In hindsight the menopausal induction may have contributed to the huge frazzled feelings I mentioned at my last post! I felt bloody awful.
Tomorrow I've got Egg pickup.
It's been a weird cycle. This doc has us on a serious drug cocktail and a half. I've been taking human growth hormone and menopausal urine injections... My partner's been instructed to "put the balls on ice" for half an hour per day (kid you not) and eat goji berries and drink aloe vera juice. So it's feeling a bit zany. Throwing a lot at it.  I've been doing 4 injections a day of various weird things these last weeks. A colleague who has done some ivf with this doctor warned me "don't be too freaked out by the singing" at egg pickup. That sounds like anot…


I called my IVF clinic today to let them know it's day 1 of my period. I've started this long-down reg protocol over the last week or so, taking some Decapeptyl injections and a cocktail of some other stuff. So I had to call up to arrange a day 6 scan.  Anyway, bit of context, on any Day 1 of my period I am typically a frazzled woman. In the last few days I cut a weekend holiday short because of realising I forgot to pay a tax bill and tax form that was due, came home early to organise the paperwork and then realised the paperwork was not actually due, I still had a few more days so didn't really have to cut the holiday short...  I also had been tasked with packing for the holiday and forgot to pack any teeshirts... and my partner's swimwear (for the beach). So my brain feels somewhat fried. Then the fried brain effect has just been upped a bit. Because when I called the clinic today, the nurse there let me know that my doctor (the guy we waited 9 months to get in to s…