I believe that in creating a family there is some innate desire, whether it is conscious or not, to both heal some of the wounds of our family of origin experiences and also to re-enact the beautiful parts. I think each generation tries to do something better and more for their offspring.. whether it be providing a different parenting style, a different emotional climate, different material things, activities, experiences.. I believe that people always hope what they provide will be an improvement on their own childhood.
As I grieve about my family that won't be, I find myself often reflecting on my own upbringing and family relationships, and looking as well at the present messy mix of closeness and distance, affection and frustration, within my own family as adults today.
Thinking of the limitations of my family... makes me sad. Maybe more sad that I have no chance to create my own "better" version... But I wonder how much of these thoughts of the past would have come up if I had just simply gone on to have a family of my own... and that, if I had just done that, whether I would have had the time to bother to entertain any of these musings... Or maybe it still would have come up, but just in other ways...
So it's another angle of the grief that I'm noticing... that, with not getting the opportunity to raise a child, part of what I miss out on is this natural way of growing up, and really piecing my own self and nurturance experiences all together.
As I grieve about my family that won't be, I find myself often reflecting on my own upbringing and family relationships, and looking as well at the present messy mix of closeness and distance, affection and frustration, within my own family as adults today.
Thinking of the limitations of my family... makes me sad. Maybe more sad that I have no chance to create my own "better" version... But I wonder how much of these thoughts of the past would have come up if I had just simply gone on to have a family of my own... and that, if I had just done that, whether I would have had the time to bother to entertain any of these musings... Or maybe it still would have come up, but just in other ways...
So it's another angle of the grief that I'm noticing... that, with not getting the opportunity to raise a child, part of what I miss out on is this natural way of growing up, and really piecing my own self and nurturance experiences all together.
This brought tears to my eyes. It was one of my biggest griefs, not that I had a terrible family, but that I'd hoped to create a family unit that was more nurturing, more accepting, learn from my experiences and attempt to "do it better." And I'll never have the chance to try that and ultimately screw it up as everyone does, just differently than my parents did. It is a hard realization and definitely something that adds another angle of grief to the loss of parenthood. Sending love.
ReplyDeleteOH thanks Jess for your comment. I like your comment "and ultimately screw it up" haha, I agree. Often in trying to create something better people accidentally end up repeating similar patterns from the past just in a different way this time. But even that is a form of learning about yourself, that is, if you're self reflective!
DeleteI both agree and disagree. I agree with you that we have lost the chance to do things better, or differently, or the way that might have worked with us way back when. But I disagree that you're missing out on a natural way of growing up. Because I see a lot of people who don't grow, who don't deal with their past or their issues, who almost hide from it. (I'm thinking of a few people of my acquaintance.) Yet I know personally that not having children, processing the grief of that, and having to find meaning in life in other ways, I've thought about a whole raft of issues and ideas about myself that my friends who are parents just haven't done - whether through lack of time, inclination, or self-awareness. I think if we're going to grow, we're inclined to find a way to do that regardless.
ReplyDeleteOh definitely there are people who don't grow up due to parenting, I wasn't trying to argue that it will inevitably lead to a growing up process, (if anything I see people regress sometimes and act more like children)... but ... I think it would have been a good experience for me, and I will miss out on what I would have learned from it. I also totally agree that I will have a new way of growing up to come to... and I don't think it's worse or better... just different. And I like what you're saying about- going through what you've been through has led you to think of a whole raft of issues that friends who are parents haven't done, and I already think that is me right now, I don't know whether I would be doing all this reflecting if I was in the middle of sleep deprivation and nappy changing etc. So maybe it's nice to get that space... "If we're going to grow we're inlined to find a way to do that regardless"... love it.
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