I heard a great radio segment the other day on the importance of belonging. Belonging is a pretty core and pretty basic human need I would say, and we certainly don't feel great, in fact we probably do things like turn to drugs and alcohol or other addictions or avoidant behaviours, when we don't have a strong sense of belonging somewhere in the world.
These notions of belonging got me thinking about the infertility/trying to conceive journey. I guess getting online and reading and writing a blog has been all about gaining a better sense of belonging in this process. But even in this lovely online world there is a sad kind of aspect to it that... some people move on to the world of having kids and it doesn't feel like I "Belong" with them in the same sense. Some move on to have no kids, but as I am still trying to have kids, in a sense, don't "belong" there either. I can perhaps feel that I belong wholeheartedly with other people in my position, but then, each person's story is a bit different.
It messes with a sense of belonging I think.
Of course trying to have a family is only one part of me, and I belong in other places. This helps... Like in a literal sense, in my home. Sitting with my cat in my lap. I belong in my relationship.... with my friends... In my family of origin (although that's another sore point sometimes)... In my job... and broadly, in nature, in life.
But I have to say that the creating a family type of belonging... that seems to be a pretty fundamental type of belonging.
At the moment, just have to leave it as 'be longing'...
These notions of belonging got me thinking about the infertility/trying to conceive journey. I guess getting online and reading and writing a blog has been all about gaining a better sense of belonging in this process. But even in this lovely online world there is a sad kind of aspect to it that... some people move on to the world of having kids and it doesn't feel like I "Belong" with them in the same sense. Some move on to have no kids, but as I am still trying to have kids, in a sense, don't "belong" there either. I can perhaps feel that I belong wholeheartedly with other people in my position, but then, each person's story is a bit different.
It messes with a sense of belonging I think.
Of course trying to have a family is only one part of me, and I belong in other places. This helps... Like in a literal sense, in my home. Sitting with my cat in my lap. I belong in my relationship.... with my friends... In my family of origin (although that's another sore point sometimes)... In my job... and broadly, in nature, in life.
But I have to say that the creating a family type of belonging... that seems to be a pretty fundamental type of belonging.
At the moment, just have to leave it as 'be longing'...
Very true. Sorry you feel so lost.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you haven't been blogging for very long, so perhaps you can find some others who are on a similar timeline as you are. Hang in there!
Thank you! I'm hanging in there. I am a bit lost but doing ok... I guess that putting the feelings in to words makes feelings seem a lot deeper than they are felt on a day-to-day basis.
DeleteIt's kind of one of the pitfalls about infertility-- between the hormones and treatments and everything else that puts a strain on your life, it also makes you feel so isolated. The good news is: You really aren't alone. You really aren't isolated. It's just another figment of our distorted imagination that infertility makes us believe. You may already be involved with online support groups. There's one that is run by Monica Bivas who had been through some horrendous infertility things but created this group post-infertility to bring a lot of love and hope to others. It's the IVF Journey on FB. This is the link. Please always remember, that you have a lot of people (cyber & "real" rooting for you) Good luck! https://www.facebook.com/groups/theivfjourney/
ReplyDeleteThanks Lori! it is good to know there are those places to connect.
DeleteYou belong. Once you've had to deal with the roller coaster of Infertility you belong with those who have done it too. Not only the ones who got off with a child and not only those who haven't and not only those who are still riding. Anyone who has ridden the roller coaster belongs to this group.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
thanks! It is somehow comforting to know that many have experienced the ride and can relate. hugs back!
DeleteI think you're in the 'limbo' phase when your life is in suspended animation because you aren't sure which way it will go... I got a bit jaded during that phase, and stopped enjoying or looking forward to stuff. But normality came back again. You're waiting for a huge thing to happen, or not happen, so it's easy to lose your sense of who you are and who 'your people' are. It takes time but it does become clearer and easier once the situation resolves one way or the other... Good luck to you and keep blogging, you're not alone
ReplyDeleteAh! thank you! you articulated that so well... getting there
DeleteIt's powerful stuff when you pull apart words. I think the belonging in this community comes from knowing that you can talk without explaining yourself. Even if the person isn't in the same space, you both know what you mean with few words.
ReplyDeleteThanks, it's totally true that there's a connection in feelings and expressions in the community.... and it's not like we have to have identical lives to belong.
DeleteYou mentioned not feeling like you belong with the infertility crowd who became parents. I'm a mother through adoption and I don't feel like I really belong to the mom club because I didn't birth my children. I don't think the "other" feeling with infertility ever really goes away completely - we are sort of stuck with it indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteyes, I can imagine that. I can be ok with that. I think it is a beautiful thing to adopt a child, and find your belonging in each other. You are adding something wonderful to the world doing what you are doing.
DeleteI think infertility is so disconcerting in part because it denies a person a role they probably grew into adulthood taking for granted....to become a parent. Even if we don't always WANT to be, we assume we CAN be. It's very troubling to comtemplate that not being true.
DeleteI'm maybe a bit weird in that I am OK with not totally belonging anywhere. For me, belonging too snugly (outside of immediate family) is a little suffocating. I like a frisson of unease, of not fitting in, to remind me I'm an individual. I have very ambivalent feelings about group identity. But I do like to follow and learn how to relate to individuals. The way I look at it, the backgrounds and stories of people with infertility are very different, and so are the outcomes in many cases. But the feelings are often the same. So even if I can't identify exactly with the situation someone is in, I can still understand the feeling, and vice versa.