Inexplicably Missing

I promise I'm not stagnating. I just happen to be still. Hanging out. Watching. Waiting. Somewhat planning my next move. Somewhat not. The journey has been unexpectedly difficult and I need a breather. It's actually not bad doing this..  it's a bit like a movie-- one of those action packed ones where the heroes are on some kind of difficult quest and just when they are exhausted and starving and wounded and think they are going to die they find a safe (and maybe beautiful) place to rest and restore themselves before the next bit of their journey. Sigh. So many journey analogies to be had in this. We will get there... but not yet. And not even sure where 'there' will be.

The pregnancy blood test was negative. And so far... I'm oddly unaffected. Blunted perhaps. My dad said "if I were you I'd be out howling" (really dad? I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But it's sweet that he shows such empathy). My friends are concerned about how upset I must be. Maybe it will just hit me later... which is definitely a me kind of way to take bad news. Yes, maybe it will hit. But maybe it's just a long accumulation of pain that I've been living with for years and maybe that pain just hasn't really been made any bigger by another 'no'. The situation just is what it is. I'm thinking that possibly the way I'm feeling... a kind of numb acceptance... indicates that it's time to get off the dizzying IVF merry-go-round. I don't have enough hope in the process working for me to keep investing in it. It seems pointless for our situation. And expensive. And draining.  It feels like it has way more potential...