Skip to main content

Here we go... another no

The pregnancy blood test was negative.

And so far... I'm oddly unaffected. Blunted perhaps. My dad said "if I were you I'd be out howling" (really dad? I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But it's sweet that he shows such empathy). My friends are concerned about how upset I must be.

Maybe it will just hit me later... which is definitely a me kind of way to take bad news. Yes, maybe it will hit. But maybe it's just a long accumulation of pain that I've been living with for years and maybe that pain just hasn't really been made any bigger by another 'no'. The situation just is what it is.

I'm thinking that possibly the way I'm feeling... a kind of numb acceptance... indicates that it's time to get off the dizzying IVF merry-go-round. I don't have enough hope in the process working for me to keep investing in it. It seems pointless for our situation. And expensive. And draining.  It feels like it has way more potential to zap me of my liveliness than to create a life.

And you know what? the idea of stopping IVF actually brings with it a level of relief.

So soon it will be on to the next chapter I guess. We will start to work out whether or not we go into the land of donor options or go the child-free life. But til then, probably just a bit of quiet time to enjoy staying still.

Comments

  1. Sending you so much love. I am very nearly in this same space, and I understand that feeling of relief. No advice, no suggestions, just understanding and good thoughts coming your way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm really sorry to read this - and sorry I missed it too. And yes, relief is definitely one of the emotions we feel when we step off the treadmill/merry-go-round/rollercoaster. It's a good emotion. One that allows you to see hope in the future, even if it is hope for something different.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you faced another "no." You sound so healthy with your thoughts on how you have met this "no" -- that IVF is no longer a hopeful space. It took me a really long time to get to that point, even though looking back I can see that I'd hit that point long before I got off the ride, to my detriment. I wish you all the best as you think on what's next -- and my wish is that all of your options bring you a sense of hope and peace for the future.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sucking eggs

Old mate fertility specialist likes to use technical language whenever possible. Hence he refers to my oocyte retrieval as "sucking your eggs".  He's all class.

It really hasn't been a great round, and my heart is not really in it. While we retrieved 18 eggs and made 8 embryos, they all grew badly and were massively fragmented. Except for one, which was not so fragmented, but still not a blast at day 5. It is inside me now, along with the runner up. So we'll see how it goes though I'm not holding out much hope.

I'm not sure if it's really more me, and getting too "serious" about all this.. but I have to say I'm tired of the attitude at my clinic. I don't think I will go back there. It's kind of like the Jetstar airline of fertility clinics, where the staff have a jovial "laid back" attitude to things like safety and professionalism. I would imagine that working in a fertility clinic you might naturally develop a lighter…

Bumper stickers for the infertile

Maybe it's because we're getting a new car soon, but I keep thinking of bumper stickers appropriate for people like me who are enjoying their struggle with infertility...
1) The bumper sticker answer to the pram parking situation... So whenever I am having a hard time trying to find a park at the shops, and there are vacant pram parks, I wish so much that I had a bumper sticker to say something along to the lines of: "After xxxx$$$ of failed IVF treatment I have earned my right to use pram parking"
2) My answer to the "My family" cute little stick figure stickers... Maybe they should have a new type of sticker that denotes the lab-cultured embryos... Although if I went this option, I think I would have a pretty full back window... with close to 70 embryos... 
3) The "baby on board" sticker --- simple response... "No baby on board" 
Well maybe not... but it's one possible route for being less invisible...

frazzled

I called my IVF clinic today to let them know it's day 1 of my period. I've started this long-down reg protocol over the last week or so, taking some Decapeptyl injections and a cocktail of some other stuff. So I had to call up to arrange a day 6 scan.  Anyway, bit of context, on any Day 1 of my period I am typically a frazzled woman. In the last few days I cut a weekend holiday short because of realising I forgot to pay a tax bill and tax form that was due, came home early to organise the paperwork and then realised the paperwork was not actually due, I still had a few more days so didn't really have to cut the holiday short...  I also had been tasked with packing for the holiday and forgot to pack any teeshirts... and my partner's swimwear (for the beach). So my brain feels somewhat fried. Then the fried brain effect has just been upped a bit. Because when I called the clinic today, the nurse there let me know that my doctor (the guy we waited 9 months to get in to s…