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Here we go... another no

The pregnancy blood test was negative.

And so far... I'm oddly unaffected. Blunted perhaps. My dad said "if I were you I'd be out howling" (really dad? I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But it's sweet that he shows such empathy). My friends are concerned about how upset I must be.

Maybe it will just hit me later... which is definitely a me kind of way to take bad news. Yes, maybe it will hit. But maybe it's just a long accumulation of pain that I've been living with for years and maybe that pain just hasn't really been made any bigger by another 'no'. The situation just is what it is.

I'm thinking that possibly the way I'm feeling... a kind of numb acceptance... indicates that it's time to get off the dizzying IVF merry-go-round. I don't have enough hope in the process working for me to keep investing in it. It seems pointless for our situation. And expensive. And draining.  It feels like it has way more potential to zap me of my liveliness than to create a life.

And you know what? the idea of stopping IVF actually brings with it a level of relief.

So soon it will be on to the next chapter I guess. We will start to work out whether or not we go into the land of donor options or go the child-free life. But til then, probably just a bit of quiet time to enjoy staying still.


  1. Sending you so much love. I am very nearly in this same space, and I understand that feeling of relief. No advice, no suggestions, just understanding and good thoughts coming your way.

  2. I'm really sorry to read this - and sorry I missed it too. And yes, relief is definitely one of the emotions we feel when we step off the treadmill/merry-go-round/rollercoaster. It's a good emotion. One that allows you to see hope in the future, even if it is hope for something different.

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you faced another "no." You sound so healthy with your thoughts on how you have met this "no" -- that IVF is no longer a hopeful space. It took me a really long time to get to that point, even though looking back I can see that I'd hit that point long before I got off the ride, to my detriment. I wish you all the best as you think on what's next -- and my wish is that all of your options bring you a sense of hope and peace for the future.


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