I promise I'm not stagnating. I just happen to be still. Hanging out. Watching. Waiting. Somewhat planning my next move. Somewhat not. The journey has been unexpectedly difficult and I need a breather. It's actually not bad doing this.. it's a bit like a movie-- one of those action packed ones where the heroes are on some kind of difficult quest and just when they are exhausted and starving and wounded and think they are going to die they find a safe (and maybe beautiful) place to rest and restore themselves before the next bit of their journey.
Sigh.
So many journey analogies to be had in this.
We will get there...
but not yet.
And not even sure where 'there' will be.
I met up with a group of friends on the weekend, an old group I haven’t seen for ages, who do not know about my fertility struggles. They’ve all reproduced, in fact, the air was thick with fecundity, and children were running about everywhere mostly at knee height. It was a situation that made it obvious... we’re missing something… fertility, a child. Someone, in a harmless enough way, said something about babies and sleep deprivation, then a throwaway remark to us “… and that’s why these guys don’t have kids”… Oh y es, that's funny. True, sleeping is quite wonderful and yes we get plenty of it. I chose to smile and laugh. I didn’t show the grief, because the grief is invisible anyway... just like my child... and the grief may be unnecessary because I don’t even know if I am supposed to be grieving, because maybe our missing child will miraculously show up one day.
Having a breather is important self-care. But yes, wherever "there" is, you will get there. And it will be okay.
ReplyDeleteTaking a breather is so necessary in the midst of this difficulty, this life of in-betweens. I love your image of the (wounded, not dying) hero taking a rest in a beautiful, peaceful place before continuing on with the journey. Wherever it takes you, I wish you peace.
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