Inexplicably Missing

I believe that in creating a family there is some innate desire, whether it is conscious or not, to both heal some of the wounds of our family of origin experiences and also to re-enact the beautiful parts.  I think each generation tries to do something better and more for their offspring.. whether it be providing a different parenting style, a different emotional climate, different material things, activities, experiences.. I believe that people always hope what they provide will be an improvement on their own childhood. As I grieve about my family that won't be, I find myself often reflecting on my own upbringing and family relationships, and looking as well at the present messy mix of closeness and distance, affection and frustration, within my own family as adults today. Thinking of the limitations of my family...  makes me sad. Maybe more sad that I have no chance to create my own "better" version... But I wonder how much of these thoughts of the past would have co...

I had a dream where I was driving somewhere and then I totally forgot where I was going. I tried to call my friend who I was meant to be meeting with in the dream, except my phone dialled an overseas phone number by mistake. Because of this, the phone sort of stopped working.  I was relying on the phone for navigation, and while it was fussing around trying to dial the number, in my confusion, I had driven into a massive body of water. Really far into it. To my left there was an endless grey wall. To my right, still, lifeless grey water stretching as far as I could see. Above, a vast grey sky. The phone no longer had reception. It seemed that there was no way back and no point going forward or outward as no destination could be seen. I was standing at this point in the water, and the water near the wall was shallow, I looked down at my feet, and saw that there was something underneath and started scratching at it. The surface was soft and flaky. Kind of a rubbery substance. It ...

It has been a while. I actually didn't realise how long. I think since November my plan had been to put things about infertility: all the seeking and hoping and action on that topic,  all to rest, at least for now. I'm still not sure where I'm at with the infertility stuff. I just made a decision no more IVF. In the past I was pretty sure I'd go for donor options if I reached this fork in the road, but now that I'm actually faced with that I am really not so sure at all. Anyway, I decided not to focus on it for a while, and that would be why I haven't written a blog post since. And I guess... in that time... I thought... I was actually doing ok. But now feel as though I am leaking tears. It's like my confidence has just gone and dried up, and my sadness is brimming over, leaking out...  I'm trying not to get in the realm of self pity or despair, and trying to "lean in" to what I think is understandable grief, and trying to also stay s...

I  was heading somewhere, at least I thought I was. Yes, I’m sure.   I had an idea of where I was going. There was a journey I was on. I was heading somewhere. But I have discovered that the trail just petered out and kind of… led to… nowhere. I am nowhere. I can’t see where to go next. Sometimes I think I could go back to the start and try a totally new path. But that’s too far now. I need to figure out a way forward from here. I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. I don’t even know how to get on a path because I don’t even know what the path should look like or where it should head. ---- NB...So we have had a rough few weeks. Facco's father has been moved into a nursing home. We tried our last attempt fertility-wise- a frozen embryo that they said was highly likely to have chromosomal abnormalities -- and well, it didn't work out. Amidst this, I feel I am having somewhat of a mid life career crisis. Overall feeling? Lost... hence m...

I've had a very looping thought headspace of late. And, probably no coincidence, I have had the desire to "bunker down". And I'm going to just look at those phrases for a sec.... Does the word "loopy" - as in "feeling a bit crazy"-  come from the experience of thoughts looping around? My thoughts are going round and round on repeat lately. And it's not a nice repeat. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself, and my inner critic is loud. Then there's the bunkering down phrase. I realised the other day that the term is actually hunkering down. Huh. I have always said bunkering. Maybe it's the influence of unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?? (love that show). I think it's capturing something about the social isolation and cutting off the world effect of being in a bunker. Facco and I very much "bunker down" when we are trying out fertility stuff. So that's me at the moment - a loopy bunker-er.

Europe was a blast... once every couple of year catch ups with verrrry old friends in England, tear-to- the eye art in Paris, Bike rides through burgundy, the most amazing tomatoes of my life in Lyon, street party craziness and sophisticated eats in Barcelona, soul-soothing architecture in Granada, unexpected beauty in Seville, and delights too many to pinpoint of sunny Lisbon! I was going to write more on how I'm back and how it's been hard to be back. But then, trying to sum up my trip with a thought for each location has brightened my outlook... so I'm going to stop this post here!

It seems rather fitting that this week, Involuntary Childlessness Week, is the week that we are counting down our trip to Europe. We leave on Friday! Yes I think the two: infertility and spontaneous travel, are a bit linked. You know, our fertility dr had asked us where we were going and he offered to give us some contacts for embryo and egg donation clinics in Europe to check out while we were there. But we were like... No. no... this is not going to be that kind of trip. But I am aware that I am still on that overall journey too. I just need a scenic diversion.