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leaking

It has been a while. I actually didn't realise how long.
I think since November my plan had been to put things about infertility: all the seeking and hoping and action on that topic,  all to rest, at least for now.
I'm still not sure where I'm at with the infertility stuff. I just made a decision no more IVF. In the past I was pretty sure I'd go for donor options if I reached this fork in the road, but now that I'm actually faced with that I am really not so sure at all.
Anyway, I decided not to focus on it for a while, and that would be why I haven't written a blog post since.
And I guess... in that time... I thought... I was actually doing ok.
But now feel as though I am leaking tears. It's like my confidence has just gone and dried up, and my sadness is brimming over, leaking out... 
I'm trying not to get in the realm of self pity or despair, and trying to "lean in" to what I think is understandable grief, and trying to also stay strong and keep on going with my chin up. But it's proving to be hard lately. Time to take some time out, reflect, care for myself, reach out, get help. 
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  1. Mali1 April 2019 at 18:42

    All the wisdom you need is right here in your post. It is understandable grief. Time to take some time out for you, some self care. Time to reach out too. You know what you need.

    But also, you know what? Sometimes, it just really hurts. I remember a friend (who had also been through this but just a year or so ahead of me) telling me that just because I knew the process, I didn't get to skip the grief process, or avoid the really tough times and feelings. And that it was okay to acknowledge it sucks. Because it really does.

    We're available for you if you need to talk - either here on your blog, on mine or others, or via email. We're all allowed to let your chin drop from time to time. It gives us strength later to raise it again.

    Sending love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Inexplicably Missing1 April 2019 at 19:47

      Thank you! Yeah, we're all humans and if we didn't have capacity to get hurt by things we care about, well, I think that would be a much worse scenario than feeling sad. I think you're right that sometimes you need to drop your bundle, at least for a while, to properly heal.

      Delete
  2. JT2 April 2019 at 06:28

    Oh my gosh! This is exactly how I have been feeling for the past 2-3 weeks. I had some time when even if i wanted to I couldn't cry, now it seems that every day i am crying throughout the day. I miss my babies all of them, and i thought my last pregnancy would be "the one", and when it wasn't and i had to deliver a baby that i knew wouldn't survive... it broke me. I am slowly coming back together but i feel like i am constantly being rearranged because i do not know how the pieces fit anymore. Thank you for sharing this. #microblogmondays

    ReplyDelete
  3. Risa Kerslake8 April 2019 at 19:32

    Oh I can so relate to this post, girl. I feel like I've weirdly been grieving for the last ten years and some times and worse than others. It's a huge part of this journey.

    ReplyDelete

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