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when inner and outer worlds come apart

This Monday is the day after Mother's day. I didn't particularly think about mother's day a great deal yesterday. But I think at a subconscious level it must have been churning away as I have had a big emotional crash last night and today...  and then today I suddenly find myself thinking "what if we did another round of IVF..." 
We have a lot going on! This coming weekend, Facco and I are moving out of our house in the suburbs up to a house in the mountaintops, it's about an hour drive out from the city centre & 650m above sea level. It's absolutely beautiful up there in a rainforest-y setting, with extremely cute Pademelon wallabies potentially visiting our yard... We will still be commuting to our same jobs so not all that much will change realistically, just a nice new house with a longer commute. 
Over the weekend though, we started to do more packing up, and as we dis-assembled our furniture and took art off the walls, it felt as though we are completely pulling apart our lives. 
Which actually was the whole idea, I guess...
It's just I'm starting to get cold feet about it all.
Another thing is that I've been going to therapy, which has been so, so, so good... but I think it's one of those situations of feeling a bit worse before feeling better...  it feels as though the walls and protections I had built up inside are all coming apart.
 Which is either perfect timing for making actual physical changes in life, or worst timing... I can't decide. Whatever it is, it's emotional I can tell you.
The pieces are just crumbling away before the rebuild... 
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Comments

  1. Jess14 May 2019 at 05:00

    Thinking of you -- sometimes I think there's a delayed reaction to things, like you can be busy and "forget" about Mother's Day and accompanying grief, but your psyche knows and reminds you eventually. I'm glad the therapy is good, it's hard to process and definitely can feel like a ripping open of wounds before knurling things back together, but I love your rebuilding image. Much love to you.

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