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I'm Ok


This microblog Monday (coming to you on Wednesday) marks one week in to my 7th IVF round.
Each time around I am more and more blase about it. It's just this weird needle thing I'm doing to myself each day. If people ask about how I'm doing... I say... I'm doing "ok".
But it's not the most straightforward "Ok"... there are some patterns I'm noticing about my coping...

  • - I get a little obsessed with yoga and exercise (this later becomes frustrating when I can't keep practicing handstands, or get too hot... as per doctor's instructions)
  • - I also get a little obsessed with tidying up and keeping things clean and throwing things out
  • - I consider whether or not I should give up coffee... and well... I always decide... nah 
  • - My mind goes in to this weird negativity mode - and starts telling me about all the things wrong in my life or wrong about me, not necessarily related to IVF. In fact, everything else other than IVF. 
  • - I wonder what that negativity mode is about... I think maybe just a way of trying to perceive ways to control things in my life, when infertility is a pretty big loss of control.
  • - I know this thinking style isn't me, so then counteract all that by practicing - self care, self love (hence the yoga, exercise, keeping things nice)
  • - In doing this self care practise, I  remember to be grateful and then...
  • - I become outrageously struck with just how cute my dog and cats are, (even more than usual), how special my connections are with people, and feel so sad about other people's struggles
  • - Leaving me in this weird in-between land of "bad" and "wonder" and "compassion"
  • -... which balances out, I guess, as "ok"


Comments

  1. I swear that everything feels more intense when cycling. Maybe that's due to the hormones or the stress, but it happens to me every time. Good for you for translating your complex expeirnece to "ok." When I get asked how I'm doing, I typically avoid answering! I hope round 7 works out much better than Ok for you!

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