I met up with a group of friends on the weekend, an old
group I haven’t seen for ages, who do not know about my fertility struggles.
They’ve all reproduced, in fact, the air was thick with fecundity, and children
were running about everywhere mostly at knee height. It was a situation that made it obvious... we’re missing something… fertility,
a child. Someone, in a harmless enough way, said something about
babies and sleep deprivation, then a throwaway remark to us “… and that’s why
these guys don’t have kids”… Oh yes, that's funny. True, sleeping is quite wonderful and yes we get plenty of it. I chose to smile and laugh. I didn’t show the grief,
because the grief is invisible anyway... just like my child... and the grief may be unnecessary because I don’t
even know if I am supposed to be grieving, because maybe our missing child will miraculously show up
one day.
I heard a great radio segment the other day on the importance of belonging. Belonging is a pretty core and pretty basic human need I would say, and we certainly don't feel great, in fact we probably do things like turn to drugs and alcohol or other addictions or avoidant behaviours, when we don't have a strong sense of belonging somewhere in the world. These notions of belonging got me thinking about the infertility/trying to conceive journey. I guess getting online and reading and writing a blog has been all about gaining a better sense of belonging in this process. But even in this lovely online world there is a sad kind of aspect to it that... some people move on to the world of having kids and it doesn't feel like I "Belong" with them in the same sense. Some move on to have no kids, but as I am still trying to have kids, in a sense, don't "belong" there either. I can perhaps feel that I belong wholeheartedly with other people in my position, bu
I'm so sorry. Trying to hide the grief must be hard, particularly when the future is not certain. x
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Linda. I am lucky to have a number of friends who know and understand so I don't feel like I'm living double life too much! It is interesting to me though that people would make a comment so off-hand without thinking that there could be sad or traumatic reasons for not having kids, e.g. I have a friend who has had recurrent miscarriages and is childless not by choice. I have realised that infertility is a bit of an ugly and unconsidered subject for many people.
ReplyDeleteIt's good you have those who know what you are going through.... they're your soft place to fall. I think if people haven't experienced it themselves, they default to the funnier or less scary reasons maybe. Or maybe they're just blissfully unaware of things that don't match with their own life. Not sure. I'm not childless by choice, but I've never gone through IVF etc either.... I can only guess at how exhausting and difficult it must be. x
DeleteI hate the sleep deprivation comments because I've always slept badly, since my teens. I still sometimes have entire nights where I don't close my eyes. Parents think they discovered insomnia: they didn't, that was me!
ReplyDeleteArgh! So annoying for you! I can't say I have the same problem, but my partner has so many sleep issues, so I'll say on his behalf that he understands what you're saying!!!
DeleteThis gave me pause: "the grief may be unnecessary because I don’t even know if I am supposed to be grieving, because maybe our missing child will miraculously show up one day." Food for thought. Is grief something we wait to feel once we definitively know something? Can we feel grief along the way?
ReplyDeleteYes I think it is definitely a real grief that is felt along the way, even if I end up having a child. The loss is the loss of an ideal I guess... e.g. for me, I had an ideal that I would fall pregnant easily and just be abundant and fertile! That dream is over now, it won't happen like that. The next possible consideration is donor eggs, never something I thought I'd have to contemplate...
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