Skip to main content

the IVF roller coaster

(warning - some explicit language)

Round 1 of IVF. It started in 2016. It went like this.
I was excited!
I was actually really excited.
I love my fertility specialist! He is so lovely and caring and he listens!
Each day I felt like I was injecting with intent. Injecting with a cause.
My eggs were growing!
I had 17 follicles, and they were looking good.
Felt like a super star.
I was getting almost manic.
I had another friend who had just fallen pregnant using IVF. She fell pregnant round 1. I assumed it'd go the same way for me.
I had more eggs than she had! YES. Winning. I have lower doses of the medicines and still more eggs. YES. Winning. I have nice sized follicles. YES, winning.
Lalalala... Everything is all going so well! It's all going to be good!
Surgery day to take the eggs out.
Loved that sedation. BOOM. Lalalalala!!!Loved that pain relief. Yeeeeah.
Even loved the stupid sandwiches in hospital, I was starving. (I still fucking love those sandwiches)
YEs let's GO! let's DO THIS!
I got looked after by my lovely partner. I got so much sleep and felt so goooood! All this work, all this caring from the team. Ah. I have a GOOOOOD feeling about this.
And then I called by the lab the next day.
And I was told.
(That may not have been the exact words used).
That's all we made.
and then I called every day to make sure it was growing.
And it didn't grow so well.
Well, it grew ok.
Enough to transfer at day 5. But it was not even a blastocyst.
All that excitement. All those needles. All those EGGS. For one little "poor quality" emby.
(and by the way- don't talk about my embryo like that! )
Then came the pessaries.
 I really did not think that those pessaries were that awesome.
Transfer day.
The scientists have long faces. It's a poor quality morula.
whatever people, put that thing in there, I have been drinking water like you told me to and I desperately need to pee.
My legs are splayed apart for the fertility specialist, the embryologist, two random nurses and my loving partner to see.
FUCK I need to pee so bad
And it is FREEZING in that room.
In goes my morula.
My partner thought it was awesome. Miracle of life and all that.
I did not think it was that awesome. I felt underwhelmed.
(The PEE I did afterwards. now THAT was awesome.)
still on the Pessaries, twice a day. ugh.
But are my boobs getting swollen? I think my boobs are swollen.
I feel kind of pregnant!
(I have no idea what that feels like)
YES YES YES... They said that emby was not good but I might be pregnant.
I'm sure I FEEEL pregnant.
Is that implantation spotting? that's a thing.
google: implantation spotting.
bleeding more heavily.
The continuation of pessaries until my 2 week wait blood test, even though I totally had my period was also not awesome.
Fuck. Period.
fuck can this whole process just be over now?
I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not
It didn't work.
It was supposed to work
... Just wait till the blood test. Keep taking the pessaries till the blood test. They said "no matter what"
Why do they say that? why do I keep having to use pessaries even if I get my period?
man I hate my fertility specialist, how could he do this to me?
seriously can't they just put me out of my misery?
hm... Well maybe they say it because even if you bleed you could be pregnant? Maybe? Could you bleed this much and still be pregnant?
check google.
Google: how much can you bleed and still be pregnant?
Hm. some people bleed.
maybe. maybe that's me.
Okay. There's still a chance!!
Is there a chance? surely not....??
ok ok ok... stay positive till the blood test.
Blood test.
It didn't work.
I knew it didn't work.
This sucks.
Nothing frozen at all.
I hate my specialist! what the fuck? What went wrong?
A whole other round ahead.
I'm Losing. Seriously losing.

...NOW I think I know what people mean about the "IVF roller coaster".


  1. I'm sorry that was your experience. Yes, it often a total roller coaster. Good news one day, bad news the next! A friend of mine got 16 eggs and was delighted but then only a few fertilized. She also only ended up with one poor quality one to transfer which then failed. I hope that your next experience is better, with a positive outcome!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bumper stickers for the infertile

Maybe it's because we're getting a new car soon, but I keep thinking of bumper stickers appropriate for people like me who are enjoying their struggle with infertility...
1) The bumper sticker answer to the pram parking situation... So whenever I am having a hard time trying to find a park at the shops, and there are vacant pram parks, I wish so much that I had a bumper sticker to say something along to the lines of: "After xxxx$$$ of failed IVF treatment I have earned my right to use pram parking"
2) My answer to the "My family" cute little stick figure stickers... Maybe they should have a new type of sticker that denotes the lab-cultured embryos... Although if I went this option, I think I would have a pretty full back window... with close to 70 embryos... 
3) The "baby on board" sticker --- simple response... "No baby on board" 
Well maybe not... but it's one possible route for being less invisible...


I called my IVF clinic today to let them know it's day 1 of my period. I've started this long-down reg protocol over the last week or so, taking some Decapeptyl injections and a cocktail of some other stuff. So I had to call up to arrange a day 6 scan.  Anyway, bit of context, on any Day 1 of my period I am typically a frazzled woman. In the last few days I cut a weekend holiday short because of realising I forgot to pay a tax bill and tax form that was due, came home early to organise the paperwork and then realised the paperwork was not actually due, I still had a few more days so didn't really have to cut the holiday short...  I also had been tasked with packing for the holiday and forgot to pack any teeshirts... and my partner's swimwear (for the beach). So my brain feels somewhat fried. Then the fried brain effect has just been upped a bit. Because when I called the clinic today, the nurse there let me know that my doctor (the guy we waited 9 months to get in to s…

On staying still

I promise I'm not stagnating. I just happen to be still. Hanging out. Watching. Waiting. Somewhat planning my next move. Somewhat not. The journey has been unexpectedly difficult and I need a breather. It's actually not bad doing this..  it's a bit like a movie-- one of those action packed ones where the heroes are on some kind of difficult quest and just when they are exhausted and starving and wounded and think they are going to die they find a safe (and maybe beautiful) place to rest and restore themselves before the next bit of their journey.
So many journey analogies to be had in this.
We will get there...
but not yet.
And not even sure where 'there' will be.