the IVF roller coaster

(warning - some explicit language)

Round 1 of IVF. It started in 2016. It went like this.
I was excited!
I was actually really excited.
I love my fertility specialist! He is so lovely and caring and he listens!
Each day I felt like I was injecting with intent. Injecting with a cause.
My eggs were growing!
I had 17 follicles, and they were looking good.
Felt like a super star.
I was getting almost manic.
I had another friend who had just fallen pregnant using IVF. She fell pregnant round 1. I assumed it'd go the same way for me.
I had more eggs than she had! YES. Winning. I have lower doses of the medicines and still more eggs. YES. Winning. I have nice sized follicles. YES, winning.
Lalalala... Everything is all going so well! It's all going to be good!
Surgery day to take the eggs out.
Loved that sedation. BOOM. Lalalalala!!!Loved that pain relief. Yeeeeah.
Even loved the stupid sandwiches in hospital, I was starving. (I still fucking love those sandwiches)
YEs let's GO! let's DO THIS!
I got looked after by my lovely partner. I got so much sleep and felt so goooood! All this work, all this caring from the team. Ah. I have a GOOOOOD feeling about this.
And then I called by the lab the next day.
And I was told.
ONE FUCKING EMBRYO.
(That may not have been the exact words used).
That's all we made.
ONE.
and then I called every day to make sure it was growing.
And it didn't grow so well.
Well, it grew ok.
Enough to transfer at day 5. But it was not even a blastocyst.
All that excitement. All those needles. All those EGGS. For one little "poor quality" emby.
crap...
(and by the way- don't talk about my embryo like that! )
Then came the pessaries.
 I really did not think that those pessaries were that awesome.
Transfer day.
The scientists have long faces. It's a poor quality morula.
whatever people, put that thing in there, I have been drinking water like you told me to and I desperately need to pee.
My legs are splayed apart for the fertility specialist, the embryologist, two random nurses and my loving partner to see.
FUCK I need to pee so bad
And it is FREEZING in that room.
In goes my morula.
My partner thought it was awesome. Miracle of life and all that.
I did not think it was that awesome. I felt underwhelmed.
(The PEE I did afterwards. now THAT was awesome.)
still on the Pessaries, twice a day. ugh.
But are my boobs getting swollen? I think my boobs are swollen.
I feel kind of pregnant!
(I have no idea what that feels like)
YES YES YES... They said that emby was not good but I might be pregnant.
I'm sure I FEEEL pregnant.
Bleeding.
Hm.
Is that implantation spotting? that's a thing.
google: implantation spotting.
bleeding more heavily.
hm.
The continuation of pessaries until my 2 week wait blood test, even though I totally had my period was also not awesome.
Fuck. Period.
No.
fuck can this whole process just be over now?
I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not
It didn't work.
It was supposed to work
... Just wait till the blood test. Keep taking the pessaries till the blood test. They said "no matter what"
Why do they say that? why do I keep having to use pessaries even if I get my period?
man I hate my fertility specialist, how could he do this to me?
seriously can't they just put me out of my misery?
hm... Well maybe they say it because even if you bleed you could be pregnant? Maybe? Could you bleed this much and still be pregnant?
check google.
Google: how much can you bleed and still be pregnant?
Hm. some people bleed.
maybe. maybe that's me.
Okay. There's still a chance!!
Is there a chance? surely not....??
ok ok ok... stay positive till the blood test.
Blood test.
Negative.
It didn't work.
I knew it didn't work.
This sucks.
FUCK! THIS SUCKS!
Nothing frozen at all.
I hate my specialist! what the fuck? What went wrong?
A whole other round ahead.
I'm Losing. Seriously losing.

...NOW I think I know what people mean about the "IVF roller coaster".