trials of transfer day

Well it was transfer day on Saturday! The news we had beforehand was: 12 eggs, 11 for ICSI, 8 embryos formed, and at day 3, my doctor thought that 3 of the embryos were looking good. This time we didn't use the embryoscope, so there were fewer observations being made. We didn't get a report at day 4, so we just waited till the transfer day, (day 5) to hear news of the final score.... I was feeling pretty good prior, as those numbers are pretty good for us based on previous rounds.

On transfer day, I remembered that in previous rounds I do not leave the transfer procedure feeling too positive. Reflecting to myself why that is, I think that... it's the news I get from the scientists. They tend to explain all the events they have seen and they talk about how the quality of the embryos is poor and how unfortunately there won't be anything to freeze. Maybe it's not fair to blame them, it's the results that I don't like. But sometimes, you just want less information. I think this was why I opted not to have the embryoscope this time. In general, I am all for knowing things,  I love science, I love being curious... but in certain situations it isn't my emphasis. I know about as much as science seems to know about our situation, which isn't much... and anyway, I don't necessarily need to know all about it on transfer day.  I want to feel hopeful on transfer day. So this time, I thought to myself, I will let the scientist know that I don't want too much information. I just want to feel positive about what IS happening, not what is NOT happening. The reality is something is getting transferred. So there's some chance. 

So I went in, feeling pretty good and I spoke with my partner about the "not too much information" policy. But we were too late getting this message across to the team. When the scientist was introduced, a new one I haven't met before, she started talking and in her opening sentence to me, she had already said too much in simply her tone of voice, the phrasing. Matter of factly she said something like "We only have the one blastocyst today, unfortunately all the others are not suitable".  But she wasn't on her game as the plan was always to put in 2, so we put back in a morula too along with the blast. I don't know why she didn't realise that. But it suggests to me that she didn't think much of the morulas if she called them unsuitable.

So yet again, I left the transfer feeling somewhat deflated. This sucks because in reality, having even just one blastocyst to transfer is a good thing. It would just be really nice to know that we could possibly have other tries at this without having to go through an entire cycle of stimulation each time. I feel like that would really help me feel optimistic over the two week wait, I could think about option A being pregnant, and option b trying with more frozen embryos. Instead I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over and getting nowhere. I will try to stay hopeful, I really want this to work... but I am also aware that I am faced with the possibility of doing it ALL again if it doesn't work... or... really wondering if the same approach is going to get us anywhere and whether we have to renegotiate to something totally different... either of those options don't inspire me much... So I'm left holding a combination of hope and discouragement, which somehow I'm trying to fit together.