Skip to main content

up and down the hope-a-coaster

*Trigger warning - this post mentions positive pregnancy tests*

I am seriously confused about my hope levels. They are as confusing as HCG levels.
I don't know how hopeful to be. Maybe I can even be excited?

This round of IVF has been different somehow. It is kind of sweet when friends tell you that they "have a good feeling this time". But it also sets you up for a bigger fall. Something about this round of IVF brought so many of these kind of comments which I hadn't had previously. The weirdest one was a receptionist from my work, who actually had no idea I was doing IVF, came and told me that she'd had 4 vivid and repetitive dreams about me being heavily pregnant.

My partner, he turned 40 recently, and we had a big party a week ago. We were hoping with the current IVF cycle that we'd be able to freeze everything and so we could not be in IVF headspace for the party. But those plans went awry and I had to have a fresh embryo transfer a few days before the party.

In the end, I really didn't care too much. The party was super fun, and we were on a bit of a high. Maybe it was just my being in a good mood, seeing all our friends, that got everyone saying they thought it was going to work this time, they just had a feeling.

I tried not to... but all this positivity from people... it meant my hopes started to lift. My period was even one day late. One friend said - do a pregnancy test! (she's a bad influence). I did the test. It was firmly negative.

The next day, period at this point one day late, I had a shocker of a day at work with stuff going wrong. Plus I could feel cramps and headaches characteristic of my period coming on... and yep, my period came halfway through the day somewhere. Had to keep in work headspace, have on my smiles on and concentrate on helping the people I work with.
I insisted on yoga at the end of the day, in a class... but it caught up to me, started crying in the class... but then pulled it back together.

I had given up hope about it all at this point.

Blood test the next day, Friday.
I am starting to look forward to the negative result, so I can stop it with the prednisone, clexane, progesterone.... blah blah. MY stomach is covered in bruises.

But...
 it came back positive. Very low result. HCG level of 10.  The nurse did not deliver the news as "good news" though. In fact she said "I'm really sorry" .

What the?

Urine tests over the weekend. Very faintly positive. Not much more bleeding. Maybe it's not a period?

I don't know what to feel.

Re-test of bloods on Monday. With the very faint lines on the urine tests, I assume it will have dropped over the weekend... keep hopes low... but... the HCG has gone up. it's 44 now.

But still, no one at the fertility clinic has said "You are pregnant". So I am still unsure what to feel.

My friend called me and said "YOU ARE PREGNANT".
But yet... I still do not know whether to believe this... I'm going to stay in the wait and see mindset for now.

Comments

  1. Holding my breath for you. I hope that HCG goes up up up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my... What a mind game. I'm reading this and holding my breath, then saying "$hit." Then my eyes widen at 44. My goodness dear. I took a peek at your TTC timeline and you've been through so much. I had three rounds of IVF with terrible results in the end. Hoping, hoping this goes up and you have a late implanter. I found you here from Stirrup Queens and I'm looking forward to following along with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh wow. I really hope that the HCG levels will go up. Maybe the embryo implanted late. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

trials of transfer day

Well it was transfer day on Saturday! The news we had beforehand was: 12 eggs, 11 for ICSI, 8 embryos formed, and at day 3, my doctor thought that 3 of the embryos were looking good. This time we didn't use the embryoscope, so there were fewer observations being made. We didn't get a report at day 4, so we just waited till the transfer day, (day 5) to hear news of the final score.... I was feeling pretty good prior, as those numbers are pretty good for us based on previous rounds.

On transfer day, I remembered that in previous rounds I do not leave the transfer procedure feeling too positive. Reflecting to myself why that is, I think that... it's the news I get from the scientists. They tend to explain all the events they have seen and they talk about how the quality of the embryos is poor and how unfortunately there won't be anything to freeze. Maybe it's not fair to blame them, it's the results that I don't like. But sometimes, you just want less informat…

Sucking eggs

Old mate fertility specialist likes to use technical language whenever possible. Hence he refers to my oocyte retrieval as "sucking your eggs".  He's all class.

It really hasn't been a great round, and my heart is not really in it. While we retrieved 18 eggs and made 8 embryos, they all grew badly and were massively fragmented. Except for one, which was not so fragmented, but still not a blast at day 5. It is inside me now, along with the runner up. So we'll see how it goes though I'm not holding out much hope.

I'm not sure if it's really more me, and getting too "serious" about all this.. but I have to say I'm tired of the attitude at my clinic. I don't think I will go back there. It's kind of like the Jetstar airline of fertility clinics, where the staff have a jovial "laid back" attitude to things like safety and professionalism. I would imagine that working in a fertility clinic you might naturally develop a lighter…

belonging or be longing somewhere

I heard a great radio segment the other day on the importance of belonging.  Belonging is a pretty core and pretty basic human need I would say, and we certainly don't feel great, in fact we probably do things like turn to drugs and alcohol or other addictions or avoidant behaviours, when we don't have a strong sense of belonging somewhere in the world.
These notions of belonging got me thinking about the infertility/trying to conceive journey. I guess getting online and reading and writing a blog has been all about gaining a better sense of belonging in this process. But even in this lovely online world there is a sad kind of aspect to it that... some people move on to the world of having kids and it doesn't feel like I "Belong" with them in the same sense. Some move on to have no kids, but as I am still trying to have kids, in a sense, don't "belong" there either. I can perhaps feel that I belong wholeheartedly with other people in my position, bu…