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up and down the hope-a-coaster

*Trigger warning - this post mentions positive pregnancy tests*

I am seriously confused about my hope levels. They are as confusing as HCG levels.
I don't know how hopeful to be. Maybe I can even be excited?

This round of IVF has been different somehow. It is kind of sweet when friends tell you that they "have a good feeling this time". But it also sets you up for a bigger fall. Something about this round of IVF brought so many of these kind of comments which I hadn't had previously. The weirdest one was a receptionist from my work, who actually had no idea I was doing IVF, came and told me that she'd had 4 vivid and repetitive dreams about me being heavily pregnant.

My partner, he turned 40 recently, and we had a big party a week ago. We were hoping with the current IVF cycle that we'd be able to freeze everything and so we could not be in IVF headspace for the party. But those plans went awry and I had to have a fresh embryo transfer a few days before the party.

In the end, I really didn't care too much. The party was super fun, and we were on a bit of a high. Maybe it was just my being in a good mood, seeing all our friends, that got everyone saying they thought it was going to work this time, they just had a feeling.

I tried not to... but all this positivity from people... it meant my hopes started to lift. My period was even one day late. One friend said - do a pregnancy test! (she's a bad influence). I did the test. It was firmly negative.

The next day, period at this point one day late, I had a shocker of a day at work with stuff going wrong. Plus I could feel cramps and headaches characteristic of my period coming on... and yep, my period came halfway through the day somewhere. Had to keep in work headspace, have on my smiles on and concentrate on helping the people I work with.
I insisted on yoga at the end of the day, in a class... but it caught up to me, started crying in the class... but then pulled it back together.

I had given up hope about it all at this point.

Blood test the next day, Friday.
I am starting to look forward to the negative result, so I can stop it with the prednisone, clexane, progesterone.... blah blah. MY stomach is covered in bruises.

 it came back positive. Very low result. HCG level of 10.  The nurse did not deliver the news as "good news" though. In fact she said "I'm really sorry" .

What the?

Urine tests over the weekend. Very faintly positive. Not much more bleeding. Maybe it's not a period?

I don't know what to feel.

Re-test of bloods on Monday. With the very faint lines on the urine tests, I assume it will have dropped over the weekend... keep hopes low... but... the HCG has gone up. it's 44 now.

But still, no one at the fertility clinic has said "You are pregnant". So I am still unsure what to feel.

My friend called me and said "YOU ARE PREGNANT".
But yet... I still do not know whether to believe this... I'm going to stay in the wait and see mindset for now.


  1. Holding my breath for you. I hope that HCG goes up up up.

  2. Oh my... What a mind game. I'm reading this and holding my breath, then saying "$hit." Then my eyes widen at 44. My goodness dear. I took a peek at your TTC timeline and you've been through so much. I had three rounds of IVF with terrible results in the end. Hoping, hoping this goes up and you have a late implanter. I found you here from Stirrup Queens and I'm looking forward to following along with you.

  3. oh wow. I really hope that the HCG levels will go up. Maybe the embryo implanted late. Thinking of you!


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