Ok so I cried while watching a nature documentary the other day. A little maternal Birdy is incubating some eggs in her nest, and flies off to get food. While she's gone some other hungry bird comes along and smashes up the eggs to eat the yolks. Mumma bird comes back to a mess. She can tell it's not right but she just staunchly perches back on top of the smashed up eggs to keep incubating, because her drive is so strong.
I had to change the channel.
It's a reminder to myself that nature is completely indifferent.
And that it's only sad because of the meaning I put to it. And that is ok. There's a certain beauty to that sadness.
That..
And...
It just is what it is.
I met up with a group of friends on the weekend, an old group I haven’t seen for ages, who do not know about my fertility struggles. They’ve all reproduced, in fact, the air was thick with fecundity, and children were running about everywhere mostly at knee height. It was a situation that made it obvious... we’re missing something… fertility, a child. Someone, in a harmless enough way, said something about babies and sleep deprivation, then a throwaway remark to us “… and that’s why these guys don’t have kids”… Oh y es, that's funny. True, sleeping is quite wonderful and yes we get plenty of it. I chose to smile and laugh. I didn’t show the grief, because the grief is invisible anyway... just like my child... and the grief may be unnecessary because I don’t even know if I am supposed to be grieving, because maybe our missing child will miraculously show up one day.
Nature is indeed completely indifferent. But for me, it is further evidence that an inability to conceive is no-one's fault, and in some ways I find that comforting. However, I feel for that poor Mumma bird.
ReplyDeletePoor mama bird. I suppose this is a reminder that we are not alone - all creatures can go through this. If mama bird can keep on going, I guess we can too.
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