Inexplicably Missing

This Monday is the day after Mother's day. I didn't particularly think about mother's day a great deal yesterday. But I think at a subconscious level it must have been churning away as I have had a big emotional crash last night and today...  and then today I suddenly find myself thinking "what if we did another round of IVF..."  We have a lot going on! This coming weekend, Facco and I are moving out of our house in the suburbs up to a house in the mountaintops, it's about an hour drive out from the city centre & 650m above sea level. It's absolutely beautiful up there in a rainforest-y setting, with extremely cute Pademelon wallabies potentially visiting our yard... We will still be commuting to our same jobs so not all that much will change realistically, just a nice new house with a longer commute.  Over the weekend though, we started to do more packing up, and as we dis-assembled our furniture and took art off the walls, it felt as though we ar...

I believe that in creating a family there is some innate desire, whether it is conscious or not, to both heal some of the wounds of our family of origin experiences and also to re-enact the beautiful parts.  I think each generation tries to do something better and more for their offspring.. whether it be providing a different parenting style, a different emotional climate, different material things, activities, experiences.. I believe that people always hope what they provide will be an improvement on their own childhood. As I grieve about my family that won't be, I find myself often reflecting on my own upbringing and family relationships, and looking as well at the present messy mix of closeness and distance, affection and frustration, within my own family as adults today. Thinking of the limitations of my family...  makes me sad. Maybe more sad that I have no chance to create my own "better" version... But I wonder how much of these thoughts of the past would have co...

I had a dream where I was driving somewhere and then I totally forgot where I was going. I tried to call my friend who I was meant to be meeting with in the dream, except my phone dialled an overseas phone number by mistake. Because of this, the phone sort of stopped working.  I was relying on the phone for navigation, and while it was fussing around trying to dial the number, in my confusion, I had driven into a massive body of water. Really far into it. To my left there was an endless grey wall. To my right, still, lifeless grey water stretching as far as I could see. Above, a vast grey sky. The phone no longer had reception. It seemed that there was no way back and no point going forward or outward as no destination could be seen. I was standing at this point in the water, and the water near the wall was shallow, I looked down at my feet, and saw that there was something underneath and started scratching at it. The surface was soft and flaky. Kind of a rubbery substance. It ...

It has been a while. I actually didn't realise how long. I think since November my plan had been to put things about infertility: all the seeking and hoping and action on that topic,  all to rest, at least for now. I'm still not sure where I'm at with the infertility stuff. I just made a decision no more IVF. In the past I was pretty sure I'd go for donor options if I reached this fork in the road, but now that I'm actually faced with that I am really not so sure at all. Anyway, I decided not to focus on it for a while, and that would be why I haven't written a blog post since. And I guess... in that time... I thought... I was actually doing ok. But now feel as though I am leaking tears. It's like my confidence has just gone and dried up, and my sadness is brimming over, leaking out...  I'm trying not to get in the realm of self pity or despair, and trying to "lean in" to what I think is understandable grief, and trying to also stay s...

I  was heading somewhere, at least I thought I was. Yes, I’m sure.   I had an idea of where I was going. There was a journey I was on. I was heading somewhere. But I have discovered that the trail just petered out and kind of… led to… nowhere. I am nowhere. I can’t see where to go next. Sometimes I think I could go back to the start and try a totally new path. But that’s too far now. I need to figure out a way forward from here. I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. I don’t even know how to get on a path because I don’t even know what the path should look like or where it should head. ---- NB...So we have had a rough few weeks. Facco's father has been moved into a nursing home. We tried our last attempt fertility-wise- a frozen embryo that they said was highly likely to have chromosomal abnormalities -- and well, it didn't work out. Amidst this, I feel I am having somewhat of a mid life career crisis. Overall feeling? Lost... hence m...

I've had a very looping thought headspace of late. And, probably no coincidence, I have had the desire to "bunker down". And I'm going to just look at those phrases for a sec.... Does the word "loopy" - as in "feeling a bit crazy"-  come from the experience of thoughts looping around? My thoughts are going round and round on repeat lately. And it's not a nice repeat. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself, and my inner critic is loud. Then there's the bunkering down phrase. I realised the other day that the term is actually hunkering down. Huh. I have always said bunkering. Maybe it's the influence of unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?? (love that show). I think it's capturing something about the social isolation and cutting off the world effect of being in a bunker. Facco and I very much "bunker down" when we are trying out fertility stuff. So that's me at the moment - a loopy bunker-er.

Europe was a blast... once every couple of year catch ups with verrrry old friends in England, tear-to- the eye art in Paris, Bike rides through burgundy, the most amazing tomatoes of my life in Lyon, street party craziness and sophisticated eats in Barcelona, soul-soothing architecture in Granada, unexpected beauty in Seville, and delights too many to pinpoint of sunny Lisbon! I was going to write more on how I'm back and how it's been hard to be back. But then, trying to sum up my trip with a thought for each location has brightened my outlook... so I'm going to stop this post here!

It seems rather fitting that this week, Involuntary Childlessness Week, is the week that we are counting down our trip to Europe. We leave on Friday! Yes I think the two: infertility and spontaneous travel, are a bit linked. You know, our fertility dr had asked us where we were going and he offered to give us some contacts for embryo and egg donation clinics in Europe to check out while we were there. But we were like... No. no... this is not going to be that kind of trip. But I am aware that I am still on that overall journey too. I just need a scenic diversion.

I should have taken a photo of the size of this. A whole lot of fridge space has been taken up with packets and packets of hormones for IVF. So every time I'm getting stuff ready for dinner, searching for a snack, or getting a cold bottle of water the bloody IVF reality of life is... just... there... nagging... annoying...  and it takes up space... Space that could otherwise be used for DELICIOUS LIFE GIVING FOOD. So today I had enough. I got my lovely little chiller bags (like the drugs themselves, these cooler bags are in over-supply due to the number of pharmacy visits I've had) and freezer packs (also, in over-supply) and carted the drugs back to my IVF clinic. The nurse had a slightly pitiful look on her face as I handed them over. I didn't engage in conversation as I only had a 10 minute parking space that I had to rush out to, but I can tell you that I definitely thought in my head "... no need to feel worried about me lovely nurse, this time next week...

I'm going to refer to my partner as "facco" here. It is a kind of cheeky phrase we came up with as a way of referring to him being my de facto partner. It's my replacement word for "hubby", a word oft used by the correctly married. Well i think for microblog Monday I will give a little run down of father's day yesterday... I let facco know I'm proud of him for being a good dad to our dog and cats... And we shed some tears about our failed embryos... And we shed more tears...because facco's dad is these days riddled with dementia and is soon to go into a nursing home as he's recently become unsafe to manage for facco's mum... And... I saw my dad, and my perpetual- bachelor brother who has recently become a dad to a cat, and my other brother who is conventionally married with kids (although unconventionally living on an island, that we visited) ... And well,  i guess we all enjoyed and celebrated their dad-i-ness. And I was super hap...

This is a bit off the topic of this blog but I really feel it would be remiss of me not to make some kind of comment on the state of my country at the moment. On Friday we had a change of our prime minister. The guy, Peter, who challenged the PM for leadership is actually a MP in my city and he is a big advocate for putting refugees who try to get to Australia by boat into off-shore detention. It's an unfathomably cruel practice which sadly everyone turns a blind eye to. Coincidentally, these last few weeks children in those same detention centres have been self harming and hunger striking. Fortunately, in the end Peter didn't win the challenge. Some other guy, called Scott did get voted to lead by his party... Scott... who, by the way, no one in the general public until this point even knew of or cared about. But he's now our Prime minister. Oh and just another note, there was a woman in the group of 4, Julie, who was a potential for leadership. She was actually, in my opi...

I have been thinking about my mum a lot lately. This week will mark 4 years since she died. I can’t honestly say that my relationship with my mum was the most straightforward. There have been some very toxic times in my life that are due to our relationship, some of which I am not sure I have fully forgiven and forgotten.  But lately I have found myself leaving the difficult aspects of our relationship to the side, and yearning to talk with mum, to hear her thoughts. What has come to me lately are wonderful memories of how it felt as a child in our relationship. We were incredibly, intensely close. I used to come home from school and absolutely relish talking to her about my day, I swear each day I talked with mum for hours. I’d hang around in the kitchen while she cooked dinner, chatting away. After dinner we’d continue to chat. Together we’d dissect every little thing that was going on in my world. We’d interpret my friends’ behaviours and all the silly bitc...

I was talking to a good friend the other day about something I am doing. It helps me cope but I am honestly not even trying to do this. The thing I am doing is.. I am blocking out the idea that it would be nice, like... Really, really nice, to have a child. To feel that kind of love. To see it reflected back. THAT kind of love. That special, special experience.  NOPE! Not allowing myself to go there. Even writing this, I'm intellectualising the idea and feel nothing. My friend said that it's great that I do that. How helpful.  I'd have to say, I agree. But I also find it a bit odd to be cut off from my own feelings that way... And on the same note...  Just before writing this I scrolled through facebook/instagram seeing everyone's doting baby pics. You know, that super cute "Baby-cracking-massive-smile-right-at-mum" kind of post. I strongly felt the urge to post something somewhere "Hey, just letting all you baby-spamming people out there be aw...

We are about to do something which is a  bit exciting. We are travelling away to Europe for a few weeks. We keep putting things like this on hold. Getting all serious and trying trying trying... We have to live and be spontaneous I think. So bye bye money-sucking IVF that has virtually 0% guarantee of satisfaction . Off we head to money-sucking activities that will be nearly 100% guarantee of satisfaction. That's us in September.

I promise I'm not stagnating. I just happen to be still. Hanging out. Watching. Waiting. Somewhat planning my next move. Somewhat not. The journey has been unexpectedly difficult and I need a breather. It's actually not bad doing this..  it's a bit like a movie-- one of those action packed ones where the heroes are on some kind of difficult quest and just when they are exhausted and starving and wounded and think they are going to die they find a safe (and maybe beautiful) place to rest and restore themselves before the next bit of their journey. Sigh. So many journey analogies to be had in this. We will get there... but not yet. And not even sure where 'there' will be.

The pregnancy blood test was negative. And so far... I'm oddly unaffected. Blunted perhaps. My dad said "if I were you I'd be out howling" (really dad? I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But it's sweet that he shows such empathy). My friends are concerned about how upset I must be. Maybe it will just hit me later... which is definitely a me kind of way to take bad news. Yes, maybe it will hit. But maybe it's just a long accumulation of pain that I've been living with for years and maybe that pain just hasn't really been made any bigger by another 'no'. The situation just is what it is. I'm thinking that possibly the way I'm feeling... a kind of numb acceptance... indicates that it's time to get off the dizzying IVF merry-go-round. I don't have enough hope in the process working for me to keep investing in it. It seems pointless for our situation. And expensive. And draining.  It feels like it has way more potential...

Okay so last night, trying to get that balance of Sunday evening --- relaxation for the end of weekend but accepting a week of work ahead... I decided to: 1) eat cheese. Not just any cheese. Ridiculously good cheese.... époisses ... made by monks in burgundy. It's funky and it's a SOFT centred cheese. 2) drink wine. Not much. Certainly not "getting drunk" or anything near it. Just a small glass... ok maybe 2 small glasses. Mind you it was a DAMN good pinot noir from Tasmania. And it was SO SO good with the cheese and bread. I feel like some people would not dare take the risk of those things, especially after how much effort and expense I've put in to all this getting pregnant process. But you know what, I'm ok with it. I think it is just my insistence on staying "normal" during this extremely weird process and avoiding "Guilting myself out" --- (which--- I am guilty of...) But then I'm also wondering, am I actually just being a re...

This old Australian ad for multigrain bread keeps coming to mind... a little kid is eating their multigrain bread and marvelling at how delicious it is... asking "how do they get the grainy bits so soft?" Frame is then cut to another cute child who says "They hit them with a hammer I expect" original child, unconvinced, says "Maybe an elephant sits on them?" The joke in my family was to be rude and say "MAYBE AN ELEPHANT * SHITS* ON THEM". Indeed, perhaps I have been proverbially shat upon... With genetics, with whatever it is that causes this fertility issue... The description coming from the words of my IVF scientists is that my eggs are "soft, and grainy" So there we have it. After my complicated regime of interesting drug cocktails, and a longer protocol aimed at pulling out the best quality eggs available... seems that... the egg quality didn't get far. We pulled out 10 eggs. 6 were mature. 2 fertilised. Day 5 ther...

So, my Doc is delaying his foot surgery till next week. Since I had already done a week's worth of induced menopause injections with a new drug for this round called decapeptyl, I thought, ok, I'll stick it out. In hindsight the menopausal induction may have contributed to the huge frazzled feelings I mentioned at my last post! I felt bloody awful. Tomorrow I've got Egg pickup. It's been a weird cycle. This doc has us on a serious drug cocktail and a half. I've been taking human growth hormone and menopausal urine injections... My partner's been instructed to "put the balls on ice" for half an hour per day (kid you not) and eat goji berries and drink aloe vera juice. So it's feeling a bit zany. Throwing a lot at it.  I've been doing 4 injections a day of various weird things these last weeks. A colleague who has done some ivf with this doctor warned me "don't be too freaked out by the singing" at egg pickup. That sounds like a...

I called my IVF clinic today to let them know it's day 1 of my period. I've started this long-down reg protocol over the last week or so, taking some Decapeptyl injections and a cocktail of some other stuff. So I had to call up to arrange a day 6 scan.  Anyway, bit of context, on any Day 1 of my period I am typically a frazzled woman. In the last few days I cut a weekend holiday short because of realising I forgot to pay a tax bill and tax form that was due, came home early to organise the paperwork and then realised the paperwork was not actually due, I still had a few more days so didn't really have to cut the holiday short...  I also had been tasked with packing for the holiday and forgot to pack any teeshirts... and my partner's swimwear (for the beach). So my brain feels somewhat fried. Then the fried brain effect has just been upped a bit. Because when I called the clinic today, the nurse there let me know that my doctor (the guy we waited 9 months to get i...